Georgina Wakefield

The Word*
(We were not told for years what was wrong with Chris
so consequently I didn't accept that he had schizophrenia,
this next poem tries to explain this)

Schizophrenia there its done
Doesn't quite roll off the tongue
8 years it stayed within my mouth
I couldn't quite manage to spit it out
A sad achievement but there its done
A label for my precious son

We thought naively they'd be able
Within weeks to make you stable
But sadly you sleep your young life away
16 hours on average every day
Now you're timid quiet subdued
Not fiery angry hyper rude

My senses scream my senses shout
For God's sake whats this all about
Wondering endlessly what this curse is
Depot injections and psychi nurses
Mrs Wakefield try not to worry
We're doing all we can we're sorry

You know there's not a magic pill
Now calm down or you'll both be ill
Make an appointment see your G.P.
This is bad for Christian can't you see
G.P. gave me Prozac and after a while
I'm flying high I wear a smile

But we're both exhausted from the strain
We watch you struggle feel your pain
Split mind? Split Personality?
Get the leaflets then you'll see
Or just ask me I've read them all
Its really not like that at all

For all the sufferers I have met
One thing strikes me I can't forget
Their sweet natures shin on thru'
Thru' all their pain and anguish too
They've a God given gift humility
So much more than you or me
So try to learn don't turn away
Who knows it might be you one day.

(* taken from "A Mother's Story")
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Gritting My Teeth For The Fight*
(Chris had just given up an office job after 10 weeks, his
4th attempt to work, and had returned to Thurrock. Mind,
I was passing the allotment where he and other clients were working, it was a very cold November morning by then I was having a terrible job coping myself. Hopefully this will explain how I felt)

I feel cold as I watch from the car
You've a woolly hat over your ears
As I watch you digging the ground
I can't possibly stop the tears

The ground is very hard
Very similar to your life
Acceptance so far removed
Though reality cuts like a knife

This life isn't what we've planned
In fact nothing like it at all
Things were going so well
Til we all hit a giant wall

We hit it with so much force
That it shattered us to the core
Left us in disbelief
Wondering what it's all for

But still you keep digging away
You work alongside the others
I think about their lives too
The affects on their fathers and mothers

They must find it as hard as we do
They share our relentless pain
They must try to work out why it's happened
Over and over again

They've advised us to join a group
Try to share our worries and fears
But we still can't believe it's true
So it's falling on very deaf ears

Can you see how it would help
Seeing so many others in pain
I shudder at the thought
As I notice it's started to rain

You're cupping a mug of tea
Leaning against your spade
You're not even aware that I'm here
Oblivious to how hard I've prayed

You're wearing your fingerless gloves
A present from Christmas last year
Why do they make me feel sad?
I brush away yet another tear

Then a sudden spark of hope
As I watch you all digging the ground
It ignites new inspiration
As I see the courage you've found

Behind the blackened clouds
Shines a tiny chink of light
I start up the car to go home
Gritting my teeth for the fight.

(* taken from "A Mother's Story")
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One Day Mum*

Nine Mum long years have been and gone
Are we any further on?
The years just seem to come and go
Recovery savagely, grindingly slow

Others outside looking in
Can't perceive the pain I'm in
They think I'm fine, they think she'll cope
I sleep, I breathe, I live in hope

I feel so sad for things you've missed
For all the girls you would have kissed
The friends the fun you've been denied
The times I've thought of this and cried

The normal things that bring us pleasure
Far too numerous to measure
Trips abroad, parties, driving
Still in rehab always striving

Striving to be well one day
"One Day Mum" I'll hear you say
When I feel I can't go on
I think of you my precious son

I feel your strength that rarely falters
I wait and wait until life alters
I never ever give up hope
There is no other way to cope.

(* taken from "A Mother's Story")
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Enigma*

Schizophrenia, madness, insanity, or condition lacking humanity,
Desperate for understanding, starving for support, Carers soldier on tired, anxious, and totally stressed the threads of pleasure long gone,
But lets not talk about it, talking is not allowed,
With the alienation of a leper we stand alone in the crowd,
Though sadness and shame lace disbelief throughout
each waking day,
Compassion and understanding rarely comes our way
The sufferers deserve some justice recognition for their strength,
Carers need support with the way their lives are spent,
Can we dissolve these misconceptions that makes it so
taboo,
Our shame is borne of prejudice our secrecy is borne
of stigma,
We must tear down all the barriers creating this enigma

(* taken from "Schizophrenia - Through the maze....")
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The Grim Reaper*
(When my son recovered enough to live in his own flat, no less than 100 angry residents staged a protest as they didn't want the mentally afflicted living there near them. I wrote this to rid me of my feelings.)

How dare they believe they can judge him
When they dont even know his name
If they had any idea of his journey
They would hang their heads in shame
Judge and Jury with misguided beliefs
Not one of them knows the truth
They judge the label he's forced to wear
Pinned on in his misspent youth
Almost 5 years in rehab fighting each day to stay sane
So bravely he's fought the demons time and time again
Distorted by the tabloids and the sensational stories
they read they add fuel to the embers of prejudice
Whilst fulfilling the businessman's greed
How long will injustice reign?
Creating their living hell
Yet if this were a physical illness sweet compassion,
poor lambs not well!!!!!!!!
Not one ounce of praise for their strength
With abuse they are more often met
No cards, no flowers, no comforting words
They fight the Grim Reaper yet
It's time for some recognition, compassion's too long
overdue.
So dig deeply within your resources because one day this could be you!!!!!!!!!!

(* taken from "Schizophrenia - Through the maze....")
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The Wheels of Improvement*
(Hopes for the future)

The wheels of improvement are turning
They’ve been rusted and seized for years
Decade upon decade of suffering
Created a river of tears
The voice of the carer is louder
It’s been quiet for such a long time
That voice will get stronger and stronger
Even though there’s a mountain to climb
With the wheels of improvement in motion
After grinding almost to a stop
Though the mountain is high and foreboding
We will all make it up to the top!!!!!!!!!
With so many pulling together
And so much to re-arrange
An army of determination will ensure that things finally change
With rethink, NIMHE and partnership trusts all with so much to address
Along with sufferers and carers who all have so much to invest
The light at the end of the tunnel
Is the light of ‘Hope’ brightly burning?
Renewing respect for all sufferers now the
Wheels of improvement are turning

(* taken from "Schizophrenia - Through the maze....")
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Caught Within the Headlights*

Beta blockers, Tranquillers, Amphetamines, or Speed
Uppers downers lost emotions nothing fills the need
Big fat pipes stained spoons & burners, twisted Baco foil
Veins in tatters sunken eyes, nothing left to spoil
Periodically she’s anorexic, occasionally she’ll binge
One way traffic, no escape route worship’s the syringe
Round & round in circles with a brain like bubble gum
This way – that way – scag head, junkie pardon the sad pun
No rhyme no reason no firm plans from one second to the other
No thoughts for others fuck the hopes of father, sister, mother
Can she make it will she break it? Evil nasty habit
Caught within the Devils headlights pathetic, frightened rabbit.

(* taken from "Addict's Language")
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The Hawk*
(The Hawk comes from case history 2 in the book; this young man has been addicted to heroin for almost 8 years)

He perches on the railings on each relentless stalk
Swoops down for the pickings, fearless is the Hawk
Shiny ruffled feathers eyes as back as coal
He looks through you with a vengeance that mirrors his black soul

His prey is blind to ruthlessness the Hawk must have his fill
He legs it fast and furious with the contents of the till
He rushes to the crackhouse oblivion at last
The syringe is now his closest friend blotting out the past

His nest is filled with replicas losers dealers thugs
But the Hawk has lost his freedom his wings now clipped by drugs

(* taken from "Addict's Language")
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Solvent King*
(A Conversation in the Playground)

Have a sniff, d’ya wanna whiff?
I love going high
I use the dosh mum gives me for nosh
To fly up to the sky

Don’t believe ya s’ only glue
My dads got some indoors
He uses it for loads of fings
Even tiles on my mum’s floors

Take a sniff wanna whiff?
S’better than playstation
Don’t cost much I fink it’s cool
Such a great sensation

Gis some more ‘ere then – let me try it
Christ it’s great where d’ya buy it?
I nicked that from the corner shop
I’ve got some butane too
I’ve tried the lot “I’m solvent king”
My favourite is glue

My bruvver started yonks ago
But now e’s into spliffs
He loved sniffin’ just like us
Gis another whiff.

(* taken from "Addict's Language")
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